Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize