so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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