I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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