and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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