Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
