You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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