you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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