If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
