Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
