Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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