my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Life is so much better after having sex.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
