420 ftw
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
