Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
