She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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