It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Hippo gnu deer
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
