don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
