Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
