Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We're too hungover to prance.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
