We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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