Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
