Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
