I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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