bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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