So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Be still, my beating vagina.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
