My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
