Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
