If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
