he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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