Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
