Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
