I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
