those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
