I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
