Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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