1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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