I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
