I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
