I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
