i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
