need another drink. this is the easiest way
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
