We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
