you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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