Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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