one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
