he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize