Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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