I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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