I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
