You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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