Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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