I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
