a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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