I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
