I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
