Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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