So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
