I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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