My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
