My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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