Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize