i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
