I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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