my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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