im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
