oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you will always have a special place in my vag
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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