I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
