Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
