Jerry, you need to find god
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i will never coherently bang her
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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