I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
