I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
