Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
