I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
