Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
