Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
