Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
