Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
