I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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